On Touch And Mortality
by Nadja Lee
Summary: Rogue on her future, her love and what it means to touch. Comparison piece to "On Loss And Immortality"


On Touch And Mortality 

On Touch And Mortality

By Nadja Lee

English is not my native language. Please forgive me my mistakes.

Disclaimer: "X-men" and all the characters here belong to Marvel, 20 Century Fox and I intend no infringement, this is a piece of amateur fan fiction, and I make no money of it.

Only the original idea contained within this work is the property of the author. Please do not copy this story to any website or archive without permission of the author.

Timeline: Set in the movie universe. After the movie.

Universe: Set in the movie universe.

Romance: Rogue/Logan

Summary: Rogue can finally touch someone…

Archiving: Want, ASK, take,have.

Feedback: Yes, please. It would mean so much to me.

Rating: PG

Sequel/series: Comparison piece to "On Loss And Immortality"

Dedicated to Mie. I shall pray for you and hope to see you again in good health . I'll always love you.

*mmmm * is telepathically thoughts spoken in the mind. " mmmmm "is spoken out loud.

Part 1:

Life isn't fair, life is never fair. I didn't want to be a mutant; I didn't want to be the untouchable one. I never wished for this, I never wanted this feeling of loneliness and isolation. 

Why does this hurt me so much? Why does it feel like someone has cut my heart out? Why do I cry so much?

" Don't cry, darlin`," Logan whispers and pulls me close to him. We stand side by side outside in the rain in the back of Xavier's property. In front of us is a small wooded cross. I cling to Logan as if he's the only safe thing in an insane world and he is. He gave me this gift; he saved me, gave me back a little of what I'd lost. I want to ask him, bed him, demand of him that he brings her back to me. Right now. I want her back! I need her back…

I've had her for 15 years, 15 wonderful years. Logan found her one day and brought her to me. In his warm winter gloves he held her out to me, this little wet and absolutely adorable silver kitten. She tried to touch me with her paws and I almost fell backwards in my hurry to move away. Logan told me to stand still and close my eyes. I did. I instantly tensed and when I felt a gently and soft furry paw on my naked arm and jacked my arm away as if burned. But as I opened my eyes she was all right; the kitten was all right. I couldn't understand how that could be; I had touched it, I should have killed it, my touch always kills, I always bring death. Logan kissed the top of my head ever so gently and told me that as there were mutated humans there were mutated animals; the kitten was a mutant. And not just that; she was a mutant like me. She too killed whatever she touched and that was why she could touch me; we cancelled each other out. 

It is indescribable to tell how happy I felt as I held my small kitten, Logi as I called her after Logan, close to my heart. She was the first living creature I had touched in 10 years; touched and not killed. From that day forth I took Logi with me wherever I went; she even slept in my and Logan's bed at night. Logi wasn't who I really wanted to be able to feel skin to skin; that was of cause Logan but she was everything I had. She was all I'll ever have and I love her so. I'll always love her. She brightened my days and made me smile. I can never thank Logan enough for bringing her into my life. She eased my pain and my loneliness.

She couldn't speak, she couldn't tell me her feelings but whenever I held her she would purr and press close to me; besides her only Logan don't fear my touch and even though I can't kill him I still have to be careful; very careful as I don't want to hurt him. Logan has always been there for me but when I cry he can't wipe my tears away with his bare hands; can't put his naked arms around me at night. I remember one day I cried and he picked Logi up and lifted her right front paw and gently let her soft paw wipe away my tears.

I never saw Logi as a pet; she will always be a person to me. If I was sad it was as if she knew it because she'll come to me and purr, wanting to be picked up. When I was happy she'd come to play. She was always there for me when I needed touch. 

How can someone so small as she come to mean so much to me? All my dreams, all my hopes went into her. For so long, in so many ways, she was my only support. She even came to me on Logan's and my wedding day. When we were dancing our wedding dance in the grand hall in the mansion she came and wanted to play with my veil and made me smile and forget that Logan's and my wedding night would be a wedding night in name only because we can never touch and we will never be able to.

All things dies; I know that better than most. All I touch; I kill. And Logan, my protector, my love and my husband…he can practically live forever while I grow older day by day. I believe in our love to be strong and last all my life even when I'm old and grey but it is hard on both of us; hard to fade away, to grow older and change and see him remain the same. I'm now 42 and though Logan says I'm as beautiful to him today as I was on our wedding day I know my beauty is fading. As a teenager it was fun with the white steak in my hair; now I colour it as black as I can to cover the beginning grey. I want to stay forever young and beautiful for Logan but I can't. I want to touch him but I can't. I want to make love to him but I can't. I want to bear his children but I can't. 

Every time I stand before a grave, every time I hear about someone dying, even people I don't know; I'm reminded of my own mortality and Logan's almost immortality. I never want to leave him alone again but I have to. My greatest concern is that when I'm gone he'll be all alone. I watched Highlander once as a kid and found it very romantic how the Immortal loved his wife and stayed faithful to her for 100ths of years; now the thought makes me cry for that Immortal can be Logan and I…I'm the mortal he loved, I'm the woman who he'll hold in his arms when I'm grey and wrinkled while he stay the same as the first time we met. Already our appearance is a problem, people begin to assume that I'm Logan's older sister or aunt and I know it'll only get worse. When we walk together when I'm 80 and he still look like he's 30 something, people will automatically assume I'm his mother. When people address me wrongly I tell Logan that it really doesn't matter though it hurts so much but he'll hear none of it. He'll pop his claws and demand an apology from whoever called me his sister, aunt or whatever. When we talked about this I said that if he always introduced me as his wife people would begin to talk but he don't care. He said that to him I'll always be beautiful for it is the inside that matters and he'll always be proud of me and be honoured to call me his wife; forever. When he talks like that how can I refuse him anything when I love him so much? Though I at times get really frustrated about it I've come to accept what we can and can't do. I wish we could grow old together, I wish we could share that now that we can't share touch; but we cannot and no matter how powerful my wishing is it'll never be enough.

I could touch Logi; I could feel skin against skin one more time. She would always make me forget my worries with her loving and playful nature. Gods, how I miss her. Tears run down my face and now none is there to wipe them away with a soft paw. Logan reaches over and wipes my tears away with his gloved hand and the feel of skin against clothes feels stronger now than ever before. I can't touch anything anymore. I am as I was; I'm untouchable again.

When Logi got ill I tried to deny it; I didn't want it to be true. I visited 10 different doctors and all said the same; she was dying. That Logan threatened them at claw point unfortunately didn't change facts. I was loosing her. I went into denial and Logan…Logan was frustrated beyond words. He recruited Scott or rather dragged him with him and together they searched everywhere for another cat like Logi; for any animal or human like Logi and me. But to no avail. We have a rare mutation, Logi and I; there is no one else. Before at least I had her and I didn't feel so alone; now I'm the only one. The others want to understand, wants to help me but only Logan has admitted that he can't give me everything I desire; he can't give me skin to skin touch and he will never be able to understand the loneliness I feel no matter how much he wants to or tries to. None of us can ever fully understand what it feels like to have each other's mutations; I know this as do Logan. We have no illusions left of the world or each other. Things are as they are and that's the way it is…

But Gods, how I miss her. I'll do anything to bring her back; anything at all…but I have none to bargain with. I feel so lost and alone. So cold, so utterly cold. A shiver runs through me.

" Here, lov`, " Logan says softly and puts his jacket around me.

" Thanks," I whisper and try to smile through tears. He nods and closes his arms around me; pulling me into a warm and secure embrace. At least I still have Logan with me, I still have his love and that is a gift I'm grateful for every day. 

I had known from the moment Logi entered my life that one day I'll be without touch again no matter how much I wished it otherwise but knowing doesn't make it any easier. 

Maybe in time I can get used to no touch again, maybe in time I can learn to forget her soft paws, her purring, the way her eyes followed me, how I could get lost in her green eyes, the way she'll come to me when I was sad and comfort me…maybe in time I can forget all that. Maybe…

The End


End file.
